Being an ecology student I have known and learnt that all ecological processes follow distinct patterns. And recently I discovered patterns exist, not only in ecology, but also in us. The finding of the inner pattern of ‘I’ has been recent. Few months back I was in a difficult situation, which left me profoundly disturbed. I was unable to concentrate on anything. I felt emotionally in tatters and wallowed in my misery. I buried myself in thoughts and analysed and re-analysed every event of the past. I was hurting people unintentionally. Everything was dull then, the weather, the temperature, the smell, the taste. I felt people were only memories. The past history was not allowing me to take proper decisions and questions kept boggling my mind… “Why does this keep happening to me? What is next? Why does it always happens to me? and will it happen again?”
As I sat thinking, trapped in a vicious victim mode, my mind travelled to the past. I had faced a similar situation, where I had been unable to concentrate on anything. Back then it was vulnerable time. But thinking back now, I realized that as time passed and I ventured into different things, I had gotten out of the situation without being conscious of it.
My thought process in the current scenario almost echoed what I felt back then. My heart sank and jaw dropped as I sat with this eye-opening revelation of how I could react so similarly in different situations. How is this possible? I realised in that time-stopping moment that the only real common denominator in both the situations was…me. For the first time, I was shocked into a harsh, yet necessary, reality about myself.
If I had listened to the current me, stuck in a victim mode, and not thought back to the past, I would have never discovered that this was a pattern. “I have patterns?!” wow! By being unaware of the concept of even having patterns, I wasn’t learning from my past experiences, dooming myself to recreating the same reality for myself over and over. It’s no wonder then, that I was so profoundly unhappy on such a core level.
After this discovery, a whole new world has opened-up. I am not looking back in time, but living each day and each moment, in my usual carefree style. In fact this discovery of patterns has given me a new positive energy. With this on some level, however, I intuitively know that this has been a good thing, irrespective of the consequences.
My past experience have given me an opportunity to learn more about myself and my unhealthy “patterns” (and yes, we all have more than one) in order to be able to change them and create new healthier ones to replace them.